If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.
Look, break-ups suck. We all know it. That’s why we’ve been writing thousands of articles on the subject lately. Break-ups are scary. You can get hurt, your (now-ex) partner can get hurt, and now your mutual friends might get hurt in the crossfire. Regardless of repercussions, if you’re considering ending a relationship, your social circle shouldn’t be keeping you from ending things. Not only is it unhealthy to stay in a relationship you’re not committed to, but it’s a large disservice to your current partner to keep them locked down.
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So, does that mean your break-up will affect your social circle? Well, yeah, of course it will. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Relationships change our social dynamics. We hunker down and focus on our honeymoon phases. What once were movies with friends, turn into date nights with our spouses.
That’s not to say everyone will be approving of a friend choosing to focus on their relationship over the friend group. For some, a friendship is built on sharing and exploring their single life together, bonding over awful date stories, situationships, or that creepy coworker making too many suggestive comments.
How might my friends respond to a break-up?
It’s weird to think about it, but sometimes your break-up doesn’t always just affect you. Your friends, family, co-workers, everyone gets involved.
We’ve all been on the other side of it, a close friend breaks-up with their significant other, and we’re left wondering how to reach out to comfort them now, or if we even should.
Plenty of my own friends have been breaking up with their significant others lately, some that were in the same group. The hierarchy of the friendship demands the closest friends reach out, and we sit on standby waiting to support from afar.
Your break-up can also influence someone else. Psychologists have noted this, especially with married couples. A statistic showed that when one couple divorces, a close friend’s chance of divorce skyrockets an extra 147%.
Reasons for this might be that surrounding yourself with newly single people, helps some become more open to the idea of being single. Seeing your friend who was once miserable in a relationship come to life now being single can make someone in a similar situation become more open and supported.
I had a friend who broke-up with his high school sweetheart after six years of dating. There was a myriad of red flags leading up to that moment. When I was single, he took an intense interest in hearing about the single life. Everything from bad hook-ups, college crushes, dates, you name it. He’d cut himself off, but he’d almost always say “Man, I’m kinda jealous I don’t get to experience that.” As a joke, we did a BDSM test together over at lunch, his non-monogamy result was over 70%.
That’s not to say you should always act on that feeling. It’s natural to feel jealous of recent single friends and all their freedom, but it’s important to sit with and study that jealousy. Where is it coming from, are they revealing aspects of your relationship that you might be uncomfy with?
Ending a relationship is tough for everyone, some even call it “an ordeal”. But they’re not unexpected. In the build-up to a break-up, people generally reach out to friends for support, confirming their feelings of frustration and desire to jump from it. Seinfeld has this joke that you can always tell how bad a relationship is going based on how high up their head they reach when you ask “How the relationship is going”. If you’re seeing a friend going through this, continue being a good friend, listen to what they have to say, reassure them, and allow them that space to vent to you. Within reason of course, and only if you have the capacity to do so.
How to not alienate the friend group
Break-ups don’t always have to dramatically impact your social circle. In some cases, it might bring you closer together with your friends now that you have more time to invest in those friendships.
However, if you did spend a lot of your relationship ignoring your friend’s needs, it might be harder to rebuild those connections.
It might also be tough to get support from your friends if they were close to your partner as well. For a lot of relationships, not having your partner fit in with your friends and family might be a dealbreaker. But when that social circle also becomes theirs, it might prompt your friends to start picking sides.
What’s important in this stage is to not add fuel to the fire. If you have mutuals, do your best to avoid dragging your ex. Be matter of fact. Because friends love to gossip, rumours spread and if it gets out of control, it will make people draw lines in the sand. It can also taint any chances you have at keeping a civil friendship with your ex if that’s something you both want.
The last thing you want to do is force your friends to pick sides. It’s also unfair to turn them into the middleman, delivering messages back and forth or becoming your main point of information in their life. They’re friends with them too, and crossing those boundaries only put them in an uncomfortable position.
Find new friends
Break-ups are meant to be liberating. Whether you’re the one doing the breaking up, or being broken up with, these are opportunities to launch your life into a different direction and foster new connections.
If your friends are turning your back on you because of a break-up, it’s safe to say you’re better off without them.
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